{"id":640,"date":"2016-09-21T16:53:25","date_gmt":"2016-09-21T16:53:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/new.eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=640"},"modified":"2020-03-26T11:38:49","modified_gmt":"2020-03-26T17:38:49","slug":"grief-course-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=640","title":{"rendered":"Grief Course 2"},"content":{"rendered":"

Losses We Never Considered<\/span><\/u><\/span><\/h3>\n

Welcome everybody.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I hope you were able to pick your copy of “Recovering from the Losses of Life”, by H. Norman Wright.\u00a0 After this lesson, I will ask you to start reading.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Please, pray with me:<\/span>
\nLord Jesus, we ask in your name to examine us, teach us and lead us.\u00a0 You are the way, the truth and the life.\u00a0 Amen.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span><\/strong>L<\/span><\/strong>I<\/span><\/strong>F<\/span><\/strong>E <\/span><\/strong>H<\/span><\/strong>A<\/span><\/strong>P<\/span><\/strong>P<\/span><\/strong>E<\/span><\/strong>N<\/span><\/strong>S<\/span><\/strong>\u201d<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"image009\"\u00a0LOSS.\u00a0 It’s a simple four-letter word that\u00a0is one of our constant companions throughout life. But, we \u00a0\u00a0seem to have an unspoken agreement with others not to talk about our losses.\u00a0 We meet each other, ask \u2018<\/strong>How are you?\u2019<\/strong><\/em>, and answer <\/strong>\u2018Fine!\u2019<\/strong><\/em> without blushing.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Yet, with every loss comes the potential for change and growth, for new insights, for understanding and refinement – all positive descriptions and words of hope.\u00a0 Problem is, they are all in the future and we fail to see that far ahead when we\u2019re in the midst of our grief.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Nobody likes to lose.\u00a0 When a loss occurs, most of us assume something or someone is wrong or at fault.\u00a0 Life is supposed to be filled with winners!\u00a0\u00a0 Losses, both small and large, hurt.<\/strong>
\nAnd it hurts even more because we have not been taught to expect the losses of our life.\u00a0 We expect to be winners.\u00a0 We want success.\u00a0 We were taught early in school that we can achieve anything if we only want to.\u00a0 We want to be in control of our life and so we build a wall around us with a sign saying, “Losses – No Trespassing!”\u00a0 And then when they occur, we feel violated,\u00a0we feel treated unfairly.\u00a0 Life ought to be smooth to be considered \u201cfair\u201d.\u00a0 \u201cWhat did I do to deserve this?\u201d, we say.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

When we encounter loss, we look for a plausible cause, we search for a reason, we try to find the object or person that we can blame for our loss.\u00a0 Many seek justice in the courts.\u00a0 The concept that loss means \u2018something is wrong\u2019 carries over into almost every area of life. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

*She must not have been a good wife for him to leave her.<\/strong>
\n*They failed as parents.\u00a0 Otherwise that child would not have become\u00a0involved with that bad crowd.
\n*He lost his job.\u00a0 I wonder why?
\n*If they had been living the Christian life, this wouldn\u2019t have happened.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Have you ever heard such thoughts?<\/strong><\/span>
\n Have you ever thought such thoughts?<\/strong><\/span>
\n This attitude toward loss has been with us for a long time.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

In John 9:1-3, we read in the paraphrased version,<\/strong><\/span>
\n \u201cAnd as Jesus walked along, He saw a man blind from birth.\u00a0 And His disciples asked Him, \u2018Rabbi (teacher), why was this man born blind? Was it a result of his own sins or those of his parents?\u2019\u00a0 Jesus answered, \u2018Neither, but to demonstrate the power of God.\u2019<\/strong><\/span>
\n
\nHow you respond to losses, and what you let losses do to you, will affect the rest of your life.
\nLoss is not the enemy; instead not facing the existence of loss, is.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

The intensity of loss that you feel is closely tied to the value of whatever you lost.\u00a0 When your car burns to the ground, your upset will subside in several days or weeks.\u00a0 But a child or spouse dying has a different impact.\u00a0 In time, you may decide to have another child or marry again, but you can never replace the original.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

When our beliefs and expectations come under attack, we ask:\u00a0 What is the meaning of life?\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  • Why should I get up in the morning? <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  • What really<\/u> matters?\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  • Is my life significant?<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  • If yes, to whom?\u00a0 Why?<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    \u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    In life, change is a constant factor and change usually involves some form of loss, for better or for worse.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    The biggest change in life is death of course.\u00a0 We experience the loss of loved ones due to illnesses, accidents, suicides, abortion, murder.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    As you grow older you expect your parents to die.\u00a0 But what if it\u2019s a brother or sister?\u00a0 <\/strong>
    \nWhen you are a child or teen and you lose a sibling, you\u2019re a \u201cforgotten griever\u201d.\u00a0 Sympathy cards are usually directed to the parents only\u00a0and seldom include the brother or sister of the deceased. \u00a0There are few other losses in childhood that seem to be so neglected as the death of a brother or sister.\u00a0 Few people take into account the depth of a bond that can occur between two siblings.\u00a0 There is a lesson to be learned right here:\u00a0 When you encounter this situation, please, write a condolence card to the entire family including siblings.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Let\u2019s look at some obvious life-changes and connected losses:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      \n
    • Immigration and moving.\u00a0 \u00a0How are they different?<\/strong>
      \nImmigrants experience a major cultural loss of lifestyle, including money, language, familiar faces, role patterns, food, relationships.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    • Illness\/Accident: <\/strong>
      \nLoss of health can mean loss of an ideal, a dream or a lifelong goal, loss of independence and loss of lifestyle.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    • Loss of Identity: <\/strong>
      \nMarriage – divorce;\u00a0adolescent romances – breakup;\u00a0moving; student – high school drop-out; moving from high school to university:\u00a0 all of these involve an element of loss.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    • Loss of Dignity:<\/strong>
      \nRejection at school or anywhere else;\u00a0\u00a0 job\/career loss;\u00a0 false accusations<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Here are some more subtle, less obvious losses: <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      1. \u00a0We may be aware of the pain of an experience but fail to identify it as a loss:\u00a0 \u201cPutting your foot in your mouth\u201d creates embarrassment, shame or disappointment.\u00a0 The Oriental expression of “loss of face\u201d recognizes the \u201closs\u201d of these experiences.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      2. <\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>Changing jobs;\u00a0<\/strong>receiving a \u201cB\u201d instead of an \u201cA\u201d in a college course;\u00a0<\/strong>a new teacher in mid-term;\u00a0receiving less-than-hoped-for in a raise;\u00a0the change from an office with windows to one without windows.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      3. \u00a0Even planned change involves an element of loss: <\/span><\/strong>
      \n<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \u00a0a)\u00a0a child going off to school or university;<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

      \u00a0b) a marriage.\u00a0 Both, parent and child, lose and gain.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

      Question:\u00a0 (Take paper, write down some answers, please.)<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      1) What are the four most significant losses which men experience?
      \n2) What are the four most significant losses which women experience?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      Let\u2019s see . . .<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      I am sure that you know that MEN and WOMEN are different, but you need to remember that MEN and WOMEN might also react differently:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        \n
      • When a MAN experiences loss, he tends to respond to it in a way to problem-solve it, he tries to protect the woman, tries to provide a solution, tries to control the pain, and tries not to require \u2018undue\u2019 reliance on others.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
      • When a WOMAN experiences loss, she wants to express her feelings, she wants to acknowledge the pain, compares herself to and with others, and she wants to focus on her current experience.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        It\u2019s as though both are listening to the radio, but one is on an AM radio station and the other on FM.
        \nIf a man and a woman wish to communicate, they have to remember to switch to the other channel occasionally!\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        \u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        Let\u2019s do some brainstorming together, perhaps again take a piece of paper for this:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        1.)\u00a0What do you think are the (ten) most significant losses of life in order of importance?<\/strong>
        \n2.) What is the worst loss you have ever experienced?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        Life is a blend of loss and gain, loss and acquisition.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        In nature, loss is the ingredient of growth: <\/span><\/strong>
        \n– A bud is lost when it turns into a beautiful blossom.\u00a0 <\/strong>
        \n– When a plant pushes its way up through the soil, a seed is lost.\u00a0 <\/strong>
        \n– A decaying tree provides nourishment for new growth in the forest.<\/strong><\/span><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

        Childhood Losses<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        The losses of our adult life may be compounded by the remaining unresolved losses of our childhood. \u00a0We bring these into our adult life like unwelcome baggage. \u00a0The losses vary in their complex nature\u00a0<\/strong>and intensity<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        For example:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          \n
        • Some children are not allowed time to grieve over the loss of their favorite pet.\u00a0 They are told, \u201cDon\u2019t cry.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a cat,\u201d or \u201cWe\u2019ll get you a new one tomorrow.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        • More and more people enter adulthood with a huge sense of loss, because they were children of divorce.\u00a0 Several years ago, Newsweek magazine estimated that 45% of all children will live with only one parent at some time before they are 18 years old.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

          The results of studies on \u2018children of divorce\u2019 indicate that the effects of divorce on children are more serious and long lasting than many divorced parents are willing to admit.\u00a0 Studies released in England in 1978 showed that ‘children of divorce’ have\u00a0more illnesses than children in families in which no divorce occurred.\u00a0 These children also tend to leave school sooner.\u00a0 In New York City which has a very high adolescent suicide rate, 2 out of every 3 teenage suicides occur among teenagers whose parents are divorced.\u00a0 <\/strong>
          \nMany others simply carry a pattern of insecurity, depression, anxiety, and anger into their adult years because of the extent of the losses they experienced.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          In divorce, children experience many types of losses:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            \n
          • Disruption of the family unit <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          • possible permanent loss of one of the parents <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          • the loss of a home <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          • neighborhood and school friends <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          • standard of living <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          • family outings and holiday get-togethers <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          • self-esteem, etc.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

            When a parent dies, there is a sense of closure to the relationship.\u00a0 And there is a rather predictable period and sequence of mourning.<\/strong>
            \nBut where is the mourning period after a divorce?\u00a0 It is open-ended.\u00a0 It comes and goes, depending upon the involvement of the non-custodial parent.\u00a0 The occasional birthday card, the weekly phone call, and the all-too-infrequent visits keep the fantasy alive that the parent might return.\u00a0 There is no closure.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            Other childhood Losses are:<\/u><\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              \n
            • Physical and sexual abuse of children.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>
              \nIt contaminates adulthood.\u00a0 Abuse is demeaning, takes away the innocence of children, and violates their perception and trust of adults.\u00a0 Children often learn to suffer silently.\u00a0 These children are truly robbed of their childhood!<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
            • Abandonment.\u00a0 <\/strong>
              \nSome children are physically abandoned, but far more have been and still are today emotionally abandoned.\u00a0 Their parents do not leave them alone, and their physical needs are well met, but their emotional needs are neglected.\u00a0 There is no nurturing, hugging, or emotional intimacy.\u00a0 The verbal affirmations which children so desperately need, are practically non-existent or get replaced by material gifts.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

              These ungrieved-for losses of childhood interfere with an adult\u2019s way of responding to life and marriage.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              Can anything be done about those damaging losses of childhood?\u00a0 Is recovery available?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              The answer to both questions is a definite <\/u><\/strong>YES!<\/u><\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 But, it involves actively giving-up a perspective that may have been with us for years.\u00a0 When the losses of childhood are identified and confronted, the process of letting them go is a very active endeavor.\u00a0 Time will not heal those wounds because the memory has such a foothold.\u00a0 It will take all the steps of grieving,<\/u> including letting go, and saying good-bye . . .<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              For now we will continue to look at the Losses of Life:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              Let us take a look at just last week.\u00a0 Maybe some of you can easily think of a (small or large) loss or a regret that you experienced.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

              For example, how did you feel or react:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

                \n
              • \u00a0Your favorite sports team lost.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong><\/li>\n
              • \u00a0Terrorist attacks worldwide. <\/span><\/strong><\/li>\n
              • \u00a0An airplane accident killing all passengers.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/li>\n
              • \u00a0Viruses and illnesses imported from other countries. <\/span><\/strong><\/li>\n
              • \u00a0Forest fires, floods, earth quakes\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                \u00a0\u201cAnxiety (worry) in a man\u2019s heart weighs him down . . .\u201d\u00a0 (Proverbs 12:25)<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                We all perceive life from\u00a0a backlog of experiences because our memories are always with us.\u00a0 Our perceptions happen automatically, and generally we believe that what we perceive is actually the real world.\u00a0 \u2018Seeing is believing\u2019, we say, which is an oxymoron. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                However, the truth is that the way we perceive is similar to a camera.\u00a0 Photographers can alter the image of reality through the use of various lenses or filters.\u00a0 Thus what the camera records may not be an accurate view of the world.\u00a0 Add computer technology and you get the picture!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                \"bigeye\"<\/p>\n

                  \n
                • A wide-angle lens gives a wider panorama, but objects appear distant and small.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
                • A telephoto lens has a much narrower and more selective view of life: just a flower, but shuts out the area where it grows.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
                • A normal lens will capture happy, smiling faces, but a fish-eye lens makes the same people look distorted and unreal.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
                • Filters can blur reality, break images into pieces, bring darkness into a lighted scene, and even create mist where there is none.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                  Like the lenses and filters on a camera, our perception of the world and life can become distorted by our experiences, both losses and gains.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                  Allow me to share a funny story with you to illustrate this point:<\/strong><\/span>
                  \n<\/strong>After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.\u00a0 Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.\u00a0 He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.\u00a0 The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days!\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                  BEWARE!<\/strong>
                  \n\u201cDo not look at people\u2019s appearance . . . The Lords does not look at the things man looks at.\u00a0 Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.\u201d\u00a0 (1 Samuel 16:7)<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                  OUR LIFE CYCLE<\/u><\/strong>
                  \nAs children, we learn to be good in order to acquire attention and praise from parents and others. In school, the acquisition of grades gives us acceptance and approval.\u00a0 We are told that we can achieve anything if we really want to.
                  \nBUT:\u00a0 Parents and teachers\u00a0rarely teach us how to handle loss, disappointment, and failure.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                  The drive to acquire continues throughout life.\u00a0 The advertising industry tells us we need to acquire the right label on our pants to be \u2018cool\u2019.<\/strong><\/span>
                  \n So, we grow up with the myth that \u201cacquiring is normal.\u00a0 Loss is abnormal.\u201d\u00a0 We continue this cycle with a pattern of accumulation.\u00a0 And we continue to feel that losses of any kind are \u2018unfair\u2019.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n