{"id":649,"date":"2016-09-21T17:10:34","date_gmt":"2016-09-21T17:10:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/new.eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=649"},"modified":"2020-03-26T12:28:12","modified_gmt":"2020-03-26T18:28:12","slug":"grief-course-5","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=649","title":{"rendered":"Grief Course 5"},"content":{"rendered":"

“PROBLEMS IN GRIEVING AND RECOVERY”<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Hello – I am glad you came back, and\u00a0I hope you took your time reading chapter 3 in your book “Recovering from the Losses of Life”? \u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Let us pray together:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Lord, you raise the poor from the dust and lift the needy from the ash heap.\u00a0 Lord, lift me up this day from my personal ash heap\u00a0that I may praise You.\u00a0 Amen”\u00a0 (Psalm 113:1, 7)<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Please, walk thru your memory and answer the following questions, but do not dwell so much on the actual incident but rather on their feelings at that time:<\/strong>
\n1)\u00a0 \u201cThink about\u00a0a time in your life when you became stuck or bogged down in some activity or task.\u00a0\u00a0 How did you feel?\u201d
\n2)\u00a0 \u201cThink about a time when you either had to, or chose to, take a detour.\u00a0 How did you feel during the actual time of the detour?\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Occasionally, recovery from a loss is disturbed for one reason or another.\u00a0\u00a0 Why do you think this might occur?\u00a0 Disrupted recovery is called unresolved grief.\u00a0 There are many reasons, some reasons overlap.\u00a0 But in each case you will find some denial (<\/strong>“<\/strong><\/em>D<\/strong><\/em>on’t <\/strong><\/em>E<\/strong><\/em>ven k<\/strong><\/em>N<\/strong><\/em>ow <\/strong><\/em>I A<\/strong><\/em>m <\/strong><\/em>L<\/strong><\/em>ying”<\/strong><\/em>) or repression of aspects of the loss or feelings, and an attempt to hold onto whatever was lost.\u00a0 As we identify these reactions, if you have ever experienced this, perhaps you want to record them in a ‘grief diary’.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Absent grief<\/u><\/strong> means feelings of grief and mourning over a loss cannot be found.\u00a0 It\u2019s as though the loss never occurred.\u00a0 There is a significant amount of denial in this response.<\/strong><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Abbreviated grief<\/u><\/strong> is normal grief that is very brief.\u00a0 There are several reasons for it:<\/strong>
    \n– There could be an immediate replacement of what was lost.<\/strong><\/span>
    \n Outsiders will sometimes assume the replacer must not have loved the person who died if he or \u00a0she can so quickly become involved in a new relationship.\u00a0 In actuality, often the replacer has loved very much but tries to bypass grief with replacement to avoid pain.\u00a0 Such replacement can mean: a person, over-work, excess hobbies.<\/strong>
    \n– Possibly there wasn\u2019t that much attachment to what was lost.
    \n– Death of a terminally ill person where much of the bitter grieving occurs in advance<\/u> of the loss or death.<\/strong><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  3. \u00a0\u00a0A minimizer often believes grief is something to be quickly <\/strong>thought<\/strong><\/em> thru but not <\/strong>felt<\/strong><\/em>.\u00a0 They seem to be conforming to society\u2019s message to quickly \u2018get over\u2019 grief.\u00a0\u00a0But inside the repressed feelings of grief continue to build and fester and, with no outlet, produce emotional strain and tension.\u00a0 Observers of minimizers may well hear them talk about how they are back to their normal routines.\u00a0 The minimizer seeks to avoid pain at all costs, feels threatened by feelings of grief.<\/strong><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  4. \u00a0<\/strong><\/strong>Inhibited grief<\/u><\/strong> involves the repression of some of the normal grief responses.\u00a0 But other symptoms such as complaints may take their place.\u00a0 Stomach aches, loss of energy, headaches are some of the more common responses.\u00a0 Unfortunately, many grieving people unconsciously take on a \u201csick role\u201d to receive caring responses from people around them.\u00a0 These persons often fear that if they express their true feelings of grief, people would abandon them.\u00a0 It may also be that the grieving person is able to only grieve over certain aspects of that what was lost but not others, like only positive aspects but not the negative one.\u00a0 We will get back to this subject later.<\/strong><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  5. Delayed grief<\/u><\/strong>, which could mean months or even years of delay.\u00a0 Perhaps the grieving person feels he\/she just can\u2019t deal with the grief at that time.\u00a0 Perhaps he\/she believes that if you delay the expression of your grief, it will hopefully go away.\u00a0 Obviously, it does not.\u00a0 Unfortunately, even a very small future loss can be the catalyst to\u00a0trigger the past grief which might then roll like an avalanche.\u00a0 Listen to this statement\u00a0about delayed grief:<\/strong>
    \n\u201cThe refusal to mourn is the refusal to say good-bye to beloved persons, places, missed opportunities, vitality, or whatever has been \u2018taken away\u2019 as religious people often view their losses.\u00a0 The refusal to mourn our earlier disappointments ultimately hardens us, as it did Lot\u2019s wife (who turned into a pillar of salt when she turned back to longingly look at what she had lost.\u00a0 Gen. 19:26).\u00a0\u00a0 Genuine grief is the deep sadness and weeping that expresses the acceptance of our inability to do anything about our losses.\u00a0 It is a prelude to letting go.\u00a0 It is dying that precedes resurrection.\u00a0 Our sadness reveals the cost of a commitment which has been shattered.”<\/strong><\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  6. Chronic grief<\/u><\/strong> is a response where a person continues to show grief responses that would be appropriate in the early stages of grief.\u00a0 This can go on for years.\u00a0 The mourning continues with no sign of closure.\u00a0 It appears that the person is keeping the loss alive with their grief.\u00a0 This is especially prevalent in the loss of a person, when the relationship was very intense with a great deal of emotional investment.\u00a0 It can also happen when the loss was irreplaceable and is often seen in the death of a child.\u00a0 In the book, ‘Five Smooth Stones’, Eugene Peterson writes, \u201cIf this carries on too long, it will lead to a crippled adjustment to life instead of wholeness of life. \u201c<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \u00a0 <\/strong>\u201cWeeping my tarry for the night (or a week or 6 months<\/em>), but joy comes with the morning\u201d Psalm 30:5<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    SUDDEN LOSS<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    \"image028\"
    \nHere is a quote from the book \u201cHelping People Through Grief\u201d
    \nby Dolores Kuenning:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    \u2013\u2013\u201cThe impact of sudden death is devastating, for it happens without warning or a chance to anticipate what lies ahead. It allows no time for goodbyes, no time to make amends or ask forgiveness for harsh words spoken in trivial quarrels, and no time to express the love one feels but doesn\u2019t verbalize. The unfinished business of the day can never be transacted, it remains unresolved. It’s like playing a CD or the radio and in the middle of a lovely tune the power goes off. The cd or radio suddenly stops . . . It is like an unfinished song, the melody stopped in mid-phrase and longs for completion.\u201d—-<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Have any of you experienced a sudden, unanticipated loss?\u00a0 If yes, you know the impact.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    An intense, sudden, unanticipated loss is like a crushing blow that leaves the person devastated.\u00a0 It is such a shock that the person is unable to grasp the totality of what has happened.\u00a0 Make sure you read chapter 4 of your book “Recovering from the Losses of Life”.<\/u><\/strong>
    \nHere are 7 special features that can complicate the grief process for survivors of a sudden death experience or any sudden loss experience.
    \n(To name some circumstances:\u00a0 house fire; natural disasters; severe accident)<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Sudden death\/loss \u2026<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. usually leaves the survivor with a sense of unreality that may last a long time.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    2. fosters a stronger-than-normal sense of guilt expressed in \u201cif only\u201d statements.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    3. fosters the need to blame someone for what happened is extremely strong.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    4. often involves medical and legal authorities.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    5. often elicits a sense of helplessness on the part of the survivor.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    6. leaves the survivor with many regrets and a sense of unfinished business.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    7. fosters the need to understand why it happened.\u00a0 Along with this is the need to ascribe not only the cause, but the blame.\u00a0 Sometimes God is the only available target and it is not uncommon to hear someone say, \u201cI hate God!\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Whenever a close loved one dies unexpectedly, the last time you were together\u00a0becomes very significant.\u00a0 You remember the last conversation, the last touch and the surroundings.\u00a0 It\u2019s as though somebody hit the \u201cpause\u201d button on the DVD\u00a0and the movie of your life froze at this last encounter.\u00a0 And you tend to play it over and over and over again in your mind whether the person you lost was a family member or a close friend.<\/strong>
      \nIf your last memory was pleasant, it makes the grieving easier.\u00a0 The good memory helps to comfort you.\u00a0 But it does not always happen that way.\u00a0 Your last encounter could have been an unpleasant conflict and the relationship had not been fully restored yet.\u00a0 There is a feeling of it being unfinished.\u00a0 You wanted to straighten things out tomorrow, but tomorrow never came.
      \nIt seems too abrupt and harsh.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      How do you soften your memories<\/u> and images that hurt you so much?
      \nAny suggestions you can think of?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      One way of recovering is doing some editing just as though it were a movie.\u00a0 You can hang on to the hurting negative images or choose<\/u> to go back a bit further in time (\u201chit rewind on your inner DVD\u201d) and dwell on a scene which is representative of your relationship and how you feel about that person overall.\u00a0 Let THAT scene be your source of comfort since it more accurately represents the relationship you had.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      Let’s summarize the primary \u201cCHARACTERISTICS OF UNRESOLVED GRIEF\u201d:<\/strong>
      \nThere is either:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Absence of normal grief reaction<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
      2. A reaction that lingers<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
      3. or\u00a0a distortion of a normal grief reaction<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        When you have one or more of these symptoms and they continue beyond 6 months or a year, you may have unresolved grief.\u00a0 Let\u2019s take a closer look at unresolved grief.\u00a0 Some of the symptoms are:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          \n
        1. A pattern of depression which continues to linger and often is accompanied by guilt and lowered self-esteem.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        2. A history of extended or prolonged grief which reflects an already existing difficulty with grief.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        3. A wide variety of symptoms such as guilt, self-blame, panic attacks, feelings of choking and fears.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        4. Sometimes there are physical symptoms similar to those of the deceased person\u2019s terminal illness due to over-identification with the individual.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        5. A restless searching for what was lost with a lot of purposeless, random behavior, and moving about.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        6. Recurring depression that is triggered on specific dates such as anniversaries of the loss, birthday of a deceased person, holidays, and even becoming the same age as the person who died.\u00a0 When these reactions are more extreme than normal responses, it can be indicative of unresolved grief.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        7. Feelings that the loss occurred yesterday, even though months or years have passed.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        8. Enshrinement or the unwillingness to remove the belongings of a deceased person after a reasonable period of time.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        9. Changes in personal relationships with other significant people following the death.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        10. Withdrawal from their normal religious activities and the avoidance of usual mourning activities which are part of the person\u2019s culture.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        11. Inability to talk about the loss without breaking down, especially when it occurred over a year before.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        12. Extensive thinking about and noticing themes of loss in life.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        13. Minor losses triggering major grief reactions.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        14. Phobias about death or illness.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        15. Excluding anything or anyone who used to be associated with a significant loss or deceased person.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        16. A compulsion to imitate the deceased person due to over-identification with him or her.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          Do you identify with any of these characteristics? How many \u201cyes\u201d?<\/strong>
          \nYou have this list in your book, chapter 4.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          Why do some people move through grief so well whereas others have such struggles?\u00a0 There are numerous factors that predispose a person to difficulty in resolving grief over a loss.\u00a0 Here are 7 of them: <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          \u201cREASONS FOR NOT RESOLVING GRIEF\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            \n
          1. One reason may be that a person is unable to handle the emotional pain of grief so he\/she tends to resist the process.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          2. Another reason can be that the individual has an excessive need to maintain interaction with the person who is no longer there.\u00a0 This can be true for divorce as well as death.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          3. Guilt can block grief.\u00a0 If we begin to reflect on our relationship with the person who is gone, we may experience excessive guilt over behaviors, feelings, or even neglect which occurred, or we think occurred, in the relationship.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          4. Some people resist grieving because the loss reactivates unresolved losses from the past that are even more painful to handle than the present one.\u00a0 Thus an endless pattern of postponing grieving is set into motion.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          5. Overload may be another reason for unresolved grief.\u00a0 There are occasions in our lives when we experience a number of losses in a short period of time and it\u2019s just too much to bear at one time.\u00a0 The losses are too heavy to face and handle.\u00a0 If a person loses several members of his or her family or even several friends at one time, not only does it produce overload, but he\/she has also lost some of the people who could have given him\/her support and comfort as he\/she grieves.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          6. Some individuals have never fully and adequately developed their individual identity.\u00a0 They haven\u2019t matured sufficiently and whenever they are confronted with a loss, they tend to regress. <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          7. Still others fail to grieve because of some misbeliefs they hold onto.
            \n– They fear losing control, and they\u2019ve been taught that losing control isn\u2019t proper.\u00a0 <\/strong>
            \n– They do not want to appear weak to others and to themselves.
            \n– Belief that their personal pain ties them closer to the person they lost.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

            There are losses that are neither recognized by society nor are they given any significance:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n