{"id":666,"date":"2016-09-21T17:19:01","date_gmt":"2016-09-21T17:19:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/new.eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=666"},"modified":"2020-03-26T12:34:35","modified_gmt":"2020-03-26T18:34:35","slug":"grief-course-9","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=666","title":{"rendered":"Grief Course 9"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0“RECOVERING\u00a0\u00a0 FROM\u00a0\u00a0 LOSSES”<\/span><\/h3>\n

Hi there, welcome back to another session.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Let’s again start with prayer:
\n<\/strong>
\nDear God, I know that for those who love God, all things work together for good. No matter what trouble I am facing, I trust that You will not leave my side. With Your wisdom in my heart, I can see the best in\u00a0every bad situation. Amen.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Grief is heavy and exhausting work and goes through approximately 6 stages, but not necessarily in
\nthis order:<\/strong>
\nShock – Grief – Blame – Forgiveness – Saying \u2018good-bye\u2019 – Recovery and Helping others.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Questions:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. How will I know that I am recovering?<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  2. What will be the indication when it\u2019s over?<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  3. How will I feel when I\u2019ve recovered from my loss?<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Recovery is essential for any kind of loss, but the actual recovery period will vary depending upon the type of loss and its intensity.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Have you ever been in the hospital for an operation?\u00a0 If so, you know the procedure.\u00a0 After the operation is over, you are taken to a recovery room, where you may be for a few hours until the effects of the anesthesia begin to wear off.\u00a0 The term recovery is a bit misleading for this room.\u00a0 It certainly doesn\u2019t mean total recovery.\u00a0 It means helping you adjust to the effects of the operation so that you are ready for the real recovery which will take time.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Recovery does not<\/u> mean a once-and-for-all conclusion to your loss and grief.\u00a0 It is a two-fold process involving almost<\/u> regaining your ability to function as you once did, and resolving and integrating your loss into your life.\u00a0 I said almost<\/u> because in a sense you never recover completely because you will never be exactly the way you were before.\u00a0 Your loss changes you.\u00a0\u00a0Any loss changes you.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    Someone once asked in a counseling session, \u201cIf I can\u2019t be the way I was before and I never recover completely, what is all this about recovery?\u00a0 I\u2019m confused.\u00a0 What does it mean?\u00a0 How can you recover and not recover fully?\u201d – – –<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      \n
    • Recovery means you get your capabilities and attributes back so you can use them.\u00a0 Part of the process means you no longer fight your loss but accept it.\u00a0 Acceptance doesn\u2019t mean that you would have chosen it or that you like it.\u00a0 You have learned to live with it as a part of your life.\u00a0 Recovery doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t mourn occasionally.\u00a0 It means you learn to live with your loss so you can go on with your life.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    • Recovery is like living with a scar from an amputation, on occasion you will experience \u2018phantom pains\u2019.\u00a0 And you cannot predict when this will happen.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    • Recovery means re-investing in life, looking for new relationships and new dreams.\u00a0 A newfound source of joy is possible.\u00a0 But, you could very well feel uncomfortable with whatever is new or with joy.\u00a0 Many times we feel that to experience the joys of life again is somehow wrong.\u00a0 Besides, if you begin to hope or trust again, you could also experience another loss.\u00a0 And that is risky!<\/strong>
      \nRemember the source of our joy is the Lord.\u00a0 The Psalmist states that he \u201cclothes us with joy\u201d.\u00a0 God is the one who invites you to re-invest in life once again.\u00a0 Read Psalm 30.\u00a0 It\u2019s printed in your book, chapter 7.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Do you realize<\/u> that you have a choice<\/u> in your recovery? <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      You may not have had a choice in your loss, but you have a choice in your recovery.\u00a0 The changes in you (identity, relationships, new roles, and even abilities) can be either positive or negative.\u00a0 That is where you have a choice.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      \"geranium\"Barbara Johnson writes in her book, \u201cSo, stick a Geranium in your hat and be happy\u201d
      \n(a very enjoyable book!):\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u201cPain is inevitable but misery is optional.<\/span>\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        \n
      • Some people choose to live in denial and move ahead as though nothing had really happened.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
      • Then there are those stuck in the early stages of their grief who choose to live a life of bitterness and blame.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
      • Some become so hardened and angry that it is difficult to be around them for any extended length of time.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        Everybody has made a choice.\u00a0 It is not the fault of other people or of God.\u00a0 Since life is full of losses from birth on, there is the choice of doing something constructive or destructive with loss. As Barbara Johnson says:
        \n<\/strong>
        \n<\/strong>\"geranium\"\u201cPain is inevitable but misery is optional\u201d.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        Let us consider what happened.
        \nThere are many people who experience a loss and say, \u201cYou know, it feels as though I opened the doors of a furnace and the heat I am experiencing is unbearable, I feel as though I am melting away.\u00a0 There\u2019s going to be nothing left of me.\u00a0 I will be devastated.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        And sometimes life does feel that way.\u00a0 However, one of the greatest principles of handling life\u2019s upsets<\/u> and losses is found in the statement of three men who literally faced the furnace.\u00a0 Listen to their solution:<\/strong><\/span>
        \n (Daniel 3:14-18)<\/strong><\/span>
        \n Nebuchadnezzar responded and said to them, \u201cIs it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the golden image that I have set up?\u00a0 Now if you are ready, at the moment you hear the sound of the horn, flute, lyre, trigon, psaltery, and the bagpipe, and all kinds of music, to fall down and worship the image that I have made, very well.\u00a0 But, if you will not worship, you will immediately be cast into the midst of a furnace of blazing fire; and what God is there who can deliver you out of my hands?\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, \u201cO Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this.\u00a0 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, o king.\u00a0 But even if He does not, let it be known to you, o king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        \u201cEVAN IF HE DOES NOT\u201d <\/strong>
        \n<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong>
        \nThere it is:
        \nA statement of trust, of faith, and of living above and beyond the circumstances of life.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        We all have our own dreams, desires, expectations and hopes for life.\u00a0 If these come about then we say, \u201cAll is well.\u00a0 I can handle life and I\u2019m content.\u00a0 Now I can have the peace and stability I was looking for.\u201d<\/strong><\/span>
        \n For too many of us our faith is dependent upon getting God to do what we think we need<\/em>.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        However, this is not the biblical pattern.\u00a0 It\u2019s all right to say, \u201cOh, I hope it turns out that way.\u201d – \u201cI hope you will have a safe trip.\u201d\u00a0 –\u00a0 \u201cI hope he pulls through the operation.\u201d<\/strong><\/span>
        \n But we must also learn to say,<\/strong><\/span>
        \n \u201cI hope … but even if it doesn\u2019t<\/u> turn out that way, it will be all right.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        Our stability in life begins<\/u> when we can trust and say these words, \u201ceven if He does not!\u201d<\/u>\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          \n
        • This is not denial of life\u2019s problems.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        • It is not \u201crolling over\u201d and giving up or refusing to face life.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
        • \u00a0It is a matter of surrendering to the wisdom of God and through this we gain strength.<\/strong>
          \n\u201cTrust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding\u201d \u00a0(Proverbs 3:5)<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

          We all have our own \u201cfiery furnace\u201d to face at one time or another. When such a loss hits we must experience the normal emotional responses which are part of the healing process and then, with God\u2019s strength and stability, face the results.<\/strong>
          \nGod does not always send in a rescue squad to get us out of the difficulty.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t always extinguish the fire in the furnace.\u00a0 He does come in and say, \u201cLet\u2019s go through this together.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

          God gives us the grace to live life.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            \n
          • Grace is really God\u2019s assurance that life can be all right when everything in it is all wrong.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
          • Grace\u00a0is the power to live life today as if things will be all right tomorrow.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

            Lexis Smedes says it so well:\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            \u201cGrace does not make everything right.<\/strong><\/span>
            \n Grace\u2019s trick is to show us that it is right for us to live; that it is truly good, wonderful even, for us to be breathing and feeling at the same time that everything cluttering around us is wholly wretched.<\/strong><\/span>
            \n Grace is not a ticket to Fantasy Island; Fantasy Island is dreamy fiction.<\/strong><\/span>
            \n Grace is not a potion to charm life to our liking; charms are (only<\/em>) magic.<\/strong><\/span>
            \n Grace does not cure all our concerns, transform all our kids into winners,<\/strong><\/span>
            \n or send us all soaring into he high skies of sex and success.<\/strong><\/span>
            \n Grace is rather an amazing power to look earthly reality full in the face,<\/strong><\/span>
            \n see its sad and tragic edges, feel its cruel cuts,<\/strong><\/span>
            \n join in the primeval chorus against its outrages unfairness,<\/strong><\/span>
            \n and yet – feel in your deepest being that it is good and right for you to be alive on God\u2019s good earth.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            Let\u2019s consider the Recovery (Stages of Grief)\u00a0Chart so that you will know what to expect in loss and discover where you may be at this time.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            \"image057\"
            \n<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

            Depending upon the severity of the loss You will experience the following in varying degrees.
            \nRemember, there is no set timetable<\/u> for how fast a person moves through the stages of grief.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              \n
            • Shock can last a few seconds or even hours.\u00a0 It helps a person buy some time as he or she tries to grasp what has happened to his life.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
            • Numbness is like a shot of emotional Novocain; it is defined as \u201cdevoid of sensation, devoid of emotion\u201d.\u00a0 The \u201cexploding bombshell\u201d puts most victims in a daze.\u00a0 Some go to bed and sleep.\u00a0 Some slump in a chair, gazing toward an unknown destination. And others turn to the telephone hoping that familiar voice will diminish their worst fears.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
            • Denial is refusing to face what has happened and refusing to face grief.\u00a0 It is normal and even necessary.\u00a0 It helps deal with one facet of the loss at a time.\u00a0 But it is important not to become stuck.\u00a0 One of the earlier chapters discussed this phase.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
            • Emotional outbursts are also normal.\u00a0 You\u2019re living on emotions at this time and have very little control.\u00a0 At some point bargaining begins to emerge and is not an uncommon response.\u00a0 Bargaining is one last effort to control your life.\u00a0 Have you ever bargained with someone?\u00a0 Have you ever made any statements like these?<\/strong>
              \n– Officer, I promise never again to go over 100 km an hour.
              \n– If you cut the lawn, I\u2019ll bake you a cake.
              \n– I won\u2019t report the accident to the police if you\u2019ll promise to pay for the repairs.
              \n– If you\u2019ll forgive me for getting drunk at the party, I\u2019ll get you that new dress.
              \n– Dear God, I\u2019ll be good if you promise to protect my family from tragedy.
              \n– If you marry me, I\u2019ll make you happy.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

              King David went through this particular stage of grief.\u00a0 His son whom Bathsheba bore fell ill (as had been prophesied).\u00a0 In 2 Samuel 12:16-23 it says:<\/strong>
              \n\u201cDavid pleaded with God for the child.\u00a0 He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground…\u00a0 He would not eat any food.\u201d\u00a0 When the child died, David\u2019s servants hesitated to tell him the sad news for fear that \u201che may do something desperate\u201d.\u00a0 However, once he heard the news, David went back to normal life.\u00a0 David explained his actions to his servants: \u201cWhile the child was still alive, I fasted and wept.\u00a0 I thought, \u2018Who knows?\u00a0 The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.\u2019\u00a0 But now that he is dead, why should I fast?\u00a0 Can I bring him back again?\u00a0 I will go to him, but he will not return to me.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              Genesis 18 records the story of how Abraham bargained with God.\u00a0 Because of the evil of the city of Sodom, God announced his intention to destroy it.\u00a0 Abraham protested.\u00a0 How could God, the righteous God, destroy the city if there were even only 10 righteous people in it? <\/strong>
              \n<\/strong><\/span>
              \n Even Jesus, in his humanity knew this aspect of grief.\u00a0 In the Garden of Gethsemane on the evening of his arrest, knowing the agony that lay ahead, he was \u201cdeeply distressed and troubled\u201d.\u00a0 He prayed, \u201cAbba, Dad . . . everything is possible for you.\u00a0 Take this cup from me\u201d (Mark 14:32 ff).\u00a0 <\/strong>
              \n*Jesus did not fast as David did in hopes that God might change his mind.
              \n*Jesus did not presume, like Abraham, that he understood God\u2019s character of righteousness better than God himself.\u00a0 Instead, in the midst of his genuine grief and fear, he entrusted himself to God\u2019s will.\u00a0 His prayer ended, \u201cYet not what I will, but what you will.\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

              Jesus models for us the role of trust\/faith in the midst of calamity.\u00a0 He faced squarely what was happening to him.\u00a0 He neither denied nor minimized his situation.\u00a0 And he grieved over what was happening to him.\u00a0 He wanted to escape from it, but he chose to trust God and thus move through this phase of grief.\u00a0 \u201cEven if He (our Dad<\/em>) does not . . .\u201d<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                \n
              • Anger is difficult for some to accept and experience.\u00a0 But it will be there.\u00a0 It may be directed at what occurred, ourselves, another person, life itself, or God. <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
              • Fear of all kinds emerge at this time.\u00a0 One of the main fears is the fear of abandonment – that we will be left alone.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
              • We search for support and help, but mostly for what we lost.\u00a0 Often this can take the form of reminiscing about a person or an object.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
              • During the time of disorganization, feelings come and go.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
              • You can see them ranging from panic to depression. It is normal and healthy to express as many feelings as you can.\u00a0 And you need someone to listen to you and accept those feelings.\u00a0 Feelings should not be denied at this point for feelings that are rejected delay the resolution of the problem.\u00a0 When feelings are denied, they are frozen.<\/strong>
                \nDo you know what happens to water when it is frozen?\u00a0 The molecules actually expand.\u00a0 Thus water frozen in pipes has the power to burst those steel pipes wide open.\u00a0\u00a0 Frozen emotions take on a power out of proportion to their original nature.\u00a0 During grief, it is important to keep the channels open for the feelings to flow when they need to.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                We shouldn\u2019t compare ourselves with others and say one particular way of release is the only way or the best way.\u00a0 Some people talk about their hurts and grief and some act them out. <\/strong>
                \n*You may have a friend who spends a great deal of time working in the yard or jogging but does not talk about the loss of her spouse.\u00a0 You may be concerned that she is not dealing with her loss, but she may be doing just that in her own way.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                *A man lost his father in a tragic fire.\u00a0 He lived near his father on an adjacent farm.\u00a0 One night, the home that he was born and raised in burned to the ground with his father inside.\u00a0 His response to this tragedy startled other family members.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>
                \nHe remained silent while they all wept and talked about the loss.\u00a0 This man borrowed a bulldozer and proceeded to bulldoze the ashes and charred remains of the house.\u00a0 He worked for hours, not even stopping for meals or rest.
                \nInto the night he continued to bulldoze the remains back and forth, again and again.\u00a0 He gave his father and the home a proper burial but in his own way.\u00a0 The land which in a sense was his father\u2019s cemetery, was now ready to be farmed and it would be by him.\u00a0 This man and his father were farmers and for most of their lives had worked together in the fields.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t verbalize very much together nor did they share feelings.\u00a0 But they had a close, non-verbal relationship.
                \nYou and I may grieve with tears, but he grieved with his borrowed bulldozer.\u00a0 If you were to ask this man why he had done this, he could not give you an answer.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know why but he did something with his grief and it was probably the best this he could have done. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                  \n
                • Getting back into life and on with life will often involve 2 steps forward and 1 step back.\u00a0 You may be swept backward from time to time.\u00a0 It may be a pattern of trial and error.\u00a0 One day you feel like it and the next day the panic or fear of guilt or anger returns.\u00a0 <\/strong>
                  \nLet\u2019s call these \u201cRe-entry Troubles\u201d.\u00a0 This is normal.\u00a0 Allow yourself to move through your grief in this way.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
                • You may begin to talk about the future with hope such as enjoying a new job, a new location, rebuilding a fire-destroyed home, considering remarriage, and so on.\u00a0 You have now just about completed your detachment from what you lost.\u00a0 <\/strong>
                  \nYou are looking around for something new to bring into your life to which you can develop an attachment.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                  What happens now has started to take on some special significance for you.\u00a0 You have been in and through the depth of the valley and you are now climbing up the side of the mountain.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                    \n
                  • Be prepared for the opinions and advice of others and sift through what you hear.
                    \nOthers may not see the value of what you are doing now. <\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
                  • Do not make any of your decisions during your down times.\u00a0 Wait until there is hope.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
                  • And don\u2019t despair because your feelings fluctuate.\u00a0 Your insight is returning and your objectivity can help you process information and new suggestions.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
                  • The Bible and its teaching can assist you in your decisions during this phase.\u00a0 You are more receptive and capable of dealing with spiritual insights.\u00a0 Prior to this, scripture and prayer resources were there to support and sustain you.\u00a0 Now is the time to seek definite answers and direction through the teaching and reading of the Word.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

                    Eventually you come to the place where you can experience hope.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                    Paul talks about hope in Romans 8:18-28 and 31-39.\u00a0 Let’s do a brief <\/strong>Bible Study<\/strong><\/span> together:\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>
                    \n<\/strong><\/span>
                    \n ROMANS 8:18-28, 31-39<\/strong><\/span>
                    \n<\/strong>In this passage, <\/strong>Paul identifies some universal problems such as suffering (v.18), frustration (v. 20), decay (v.21), pain (v.22), etc.<\/strong>
                    \nBut Paul identifies <\/strong>several reasons for hope.\u00a0 What can you see as reasons for hope in verses 18, 21, 23, 31-32, and 38-39?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

                    18 <\/strong>I consider that our present <\/strong>sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. <\/strong>19 <\/strong>The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. <\/strong>20 <\/strong>For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope <\/strong>21 <\/strong>that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. <\/strong>22 <\/strong>We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. <\/strong>23 <\/strong>Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. <\/strong>24 <\/strong>For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? <\/strong>25 <\/strong>But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. <\/strong>26 <\/strong>In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our <\/strong>weakness<\/strong>. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but <\/strong>the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. <\/strong>27 <\/strong>And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. \u00a0<\/strong>28 <\/strong>And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who\u00a0<\/sup>have been called according to his purpose.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>31 <\/strong>What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? <\/strong>32 <\/strong>He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all\u2014how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? <\/strong>33 <\/strong>Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
                    \n<\/strong>34 <\/strong>Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died\u2014more than that, who was raised to life\u2014is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. <\/strong>35 <\/strong>Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? <\/strong>
                    \n36 As it is written:\u00a0“For your sake we face death all day long;\u00a0we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
                    \n38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. <\/strong><\/span>
                    \n “HOPE”<\/strong>
                    \n<\/strong>Let\u2019s consider what hope really is.<\/strong>
                    \nIt is important to distinguish between wishful thinking and hope<\/u>.\u00a0 The two are not the same.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n