{"id":672,"date":"2016-09-21T17:22:08","date_gmt":"2016-09-21T17:22:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/new.eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=672"},"modified":"2020-03-26T11:36:59","modified_gmt":"2020-03-26T17:36:59","slug":"grief-course-11","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/eklutheran.ca\/?page_id=672","title":{"rendered":"Grief Course 11"},"content":{"rendered":"

“Helping Others with their Loss”<\/h3>\n

THE PRAYER:<\/strong> Dear Lord, in this hectic world, it’s easy to become disconnected from those around us. Help me remember to slow down and reach out to others. Open my eyes to the opportunities You place before me today to be a caring hand or a listening ear. Amen.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI would like to help.\u00a0 I really would.\u00a0 But I just don\u2019t know what to say.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure I say too much and, sometimes I think, what I say hurts more than it helps.\u00a0 So, most of the time, I stay away and don\u2019t do anything at all.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

An uncommon response?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s probably the most common feeling of frustration we experience when a friend or loved one is going through a loss experience.\u00a0 We all struggle with what to say, how to say it and when to respond.\u00a0 But it is possible to learn how to minister to others in a way that is supportive and caring.\u00a0 Most Christians have never been given any help or guidelines on what to do or say at the time of a loss.\u00a0 And that is precisely why people either withdraw, or say too much or say inappropriate comments.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here are 4 situations to think about:<\/strong><\/p>\n

*Situation One:<\/strong>
\nYour closest friend just discovered that her spouse is suddenly filing for divorce.\u00a0 You go to their home.\u00a0 What do you say or do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

*Situation Two:<\/strong>
\nOne of your co-workers comes into your office, sits down, and looking very dejected tells you that after 23 years of loyal service to the company, he was just fired and will lose his health insurance as well.\u00a0 What do you say at a time like this?<\/strong><\/p>\n

*Situation Three:<\/strong>
\nA teenager in your family comes home, slams the front door, heads for her room, slams the bedroom door and now you can hear her sobbing.\u00a0 A few minutes later the teen comes out still crying and tells you, \u201cI just got dumped for another girl.\u00a0 Jim and I went together for 6 months and now just before my senior prom, I\u2019m dumped just like a piece of trash.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

*Situation Four:<\/strong>
\nYou\u2019re at a funeral for your cousin who was very special to you.\u00a0 You approach your cousin\u2019s spouse at the family get-together after the service. What do you say to this bereaved person?<\/strong><\/p>\n

You will need to acknowledge that a loss has occurred in this person\u2019s life and see it with the person\u2019s eyes rather than your own.
\n<\/strong>There are 4 major \u201cDO NOTS\u201d which need to be followed:<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Do not withdraw from the relative or friend.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  2. Do not compare, evaluate or judge the person or his\/her responses.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  3. Do not look for sympathy for yourself.<\/strong><\/li>\n
  4. Do not patronize the person.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    1) Do not withdraw:\u00a0 In the case of any loss, a person needs continuing, ongoing support from a number of people.\u00a0 Often the support we give is out of proportion.\u00a0 When there is a death the bereaved person is often inundated by people, calls and cards.\u00a0 But two weeks later<\/u>, the person feels like a social outcast.\u00a0 Nobody calls, nobody writes.<\/u>\u00a0 Perhaps you could send your condolence card\u00a0late and tell the griever that you intentionally did so because you figure it’s getting quiet around them by now.\u00a0\u00a0Because to the griever it seems\u00a0as though the whole world has gone merrily on its way, leaving the person alone and behind.\u00a0 This creates a tremendous feeling of isolation.\u00a0 The bereaved person needs comfort on a consistent basis.\u00a0 If you have a memory of the deceased, write it down in your condolence card, even if you only remember\u00a0“her lovely smile” or “his sparkling eyes and sense of humor”.\u00a0 The griever needs to be able to talk over what has occurred and to reminisce and remember.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>
    \nIn losses like death, divorce or accident\/illness there are major decisions that need to be made.\u00a0 In all types of loss a support group may be needed immediately.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    2) Do not compare:\u00a0 When you see your friend or relative, the most basic response is to ask how the person is doing and feeling.\u00a0 A simple, \u201cHow are you doing? It\u2019s been 10 days since you lost … How are you feeling?\u201d, will open the door.\u00a0 The important thing then is to let the person talk without comparing, evaluating or judging.\u00a0 <\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

    Here are some of the statements to avoid:<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \n
    • I don\u2019t understand why you\u2019re still crying.\u00a0 Life goes on, you know.<\/strong><\/li>\n
    • Look, you only lost your stepfather.\u00a0 What about your mother?\u00a0 She has a greater loss than you and she\u2019s pulled herself together.<\/strong><\/li>\n
    • No one should feel that way about losing a cat.\u00a0 It\u2019s only an animal.\u00a0 You had it for 10 great years and now you can get another kitty.<\/strong><\/li>\n
    • This will make your family closer.\u00a0 It\u2019s an opportunity to grow together.<\/strong><\/li>\n
    • Don\u2019t you appreciate what you have left?<\/strong><\/li>\n
    • You\u2019ve started out in new jobs before, so just look at this layoff as a great opportunity – like George did when he got fired.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Other frequent statements that too many grievers have had to hear, are:<\/strong><\/p>\n

        \n
      • Don\u2019t cry. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • You must be brave now. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • You\u2019ll get over it in a couple of weeks. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • You shouldn\u2019t feel that way.\u00a0 After all, you have the Lord. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • It\u2019s time to pull yourself together.\u00a0 You wouldn\u2019t want mother seeing\u00a0you that way, would you? <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • Your spouse\/child\/friend wouldn\u2019t want you to be this unhappy. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • The past needs to be put behind us.\u00a0 Let\u2019s move on to the future with\u00a0God. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • It went fast and so at least he\/she didn\u2019t have to suffer. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • Well, just be glad it wasn\u2019t your only child.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • Look at it this way: Losing your husband this young and without children will make it easier for you to handle. <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • Everyone dies sooner or later.\u00a0 He just died sooner.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/li>\n
      • The children need you to be strong.\u00a0<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        Statements like these don\u2019t help or comfort.\u00a0 They only intensify the person\u2019s feeling of loss and despair.<\/strong>
        \nSometimes people take an, \u201cIt could have been worse\u201d approach to their grieving friend in the hopes of lessening the hurt.\u00a0 Unfortunately, at this point in time it doesn\u2019t work.<\/strong><\/p>\n

        3) The third \u201cDo Not\u201d involves eliciting sympathy for yourself.\u00a0 It sounds strange but it does happen more often than not.\u00a0 Some people talk more about their own sense of loss and grief, past and present,\u00a0in an effort to express their sorrow and empathy.\u00a0 But you cannot expect the other person to help you at this time.\u00a0 This is a time for you to give, not receive.\u00a0 If YOU need assistance, get it from somebody else.<\/strong><\/p>\n

        4) Have you ever felt patronized by another person?\u00a0 You know what that feels like, don\u2019t you?\u00a0 You end up feeling dependent and belittled.\u00a0 You begin to wallow in self-pity, and you feel worse than before you interacted with this \u201chelpful\u201d person.\u00a0 Any kind of condescending response or behavior tends to reinforce the hurting feelings and basically shows that we really don\u2019t care as much as we say.<\/strong><\/p>\n

        There are several positive guidelines to follow in ministering to a friend, relative or neighbor.<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0<\/span> <\/strong>
        \n1) The first step is simply accepting what has happened and how the person is responding.\u00a0 You may have your own perspective as to what the person should be doing or how he or she should be responding. Revise your expectations<\/u>.\u00a0 You are not the other person.
        \nAccept them and let them know their feelings are normal.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

        Some are going to apologize to you for their tears, or their depression or their anger.\u00a0 You will hear comments like, \u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019m still crying like this.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sorry.\u201d – Or – <\/strong>
        \n\u201cI don\u2019t know why I\u2019m so upset.\u00a0 It was unfair letting me go like that, after 15 years at that job.
        \nI know I shouldn\u2019t be angry, but I guess I really am.\u00a0 It seems so unfair.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

        You can be an encourager by accepting their feelings.\u00a0 Give them the gift of facing their feelings and expressing them.\u00a0 There are many statements that you can make to them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

          \n
        • “I don’t want you to worry about crying in front of me.\u00a0 It is hard to feel this sad and not express it in tears.\u00a0 You may find me crying with you at times.”<\/strong><\/li>\n
        • “If I had experienced what you have been through, I would feel like crying, too.”<\/strong><\/li>\n
        • “If I didn’t see you cry, I would be more concerned!”<\/strong><\/li>\n
        • “I hope you feel the freedom to express your sorrow in tears in front of me.\u00a0 I won’t be embarrassed or upset.\u00a0 I just want to be here with you.”<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

          2)\u00a0 Anger is another feeling that is difficult for many people to express.\u00a0 Use comments like:<\/strong><\/p>\n

            \n
          • \u201cIt is natural to feel anger and hostility toward everyone and everything that had to do with your husband\u2019s death.\u00a0 I feel angry, too.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • \u201cYou must be very angry that your baby has suffered, and you can do nothing about it.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • \u201cIt is normal and reasonable to be angry and resentful when you have lost your baby, and others have lively and healthy babies.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • \u201cYou have lost your daughter and you have a right to be angry and frustrated.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • \u201cIt must be hard to find the words to express your anger, helplessness and frustration.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
          • \u201cIt is important that you allow yourself to express your anger and rage no matter how much others try to discourage you.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

            Your encouragement to express feelings will help the grieving person understand that their expression will not cause you to withdraw from them.\u00a0 Reassure them that you are neither going to leave because of their feelings, nor try to talk them out of feeling the way they do.\u00a0 Your support is going to remain.<\/strong><\/p>\n

            3) Touch is another positive way of responding.\u00a0 But be sensitive to the person you\u2019re ministering to.\u00a0\u00a0 He\/she may not be as comfortable with touch as you are.\u00a0 If they seem to reject your physical gestures such as hugs or touch, be sure to respect them.\u00a0 If you extend a hand on the shoulder and they stiffen up, it\u2019s a good indication that your brief words and physical presence will help more than touch.\u00a0<\/strong>
            \n\u00a0<\/strong>
            \n4)\u00a0 Sometimes it helps just to say, \u201cI\u2019ll be here with you for a while.\u00a0 When you prefer to be alone, or need me to do something for you, please, let me know and I\u2019ll do it.\u201d\u00a0 Never assume they don\u2019t need you.\u00a0 Find out by talking with them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

            5)\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the greatest gifts that you can give to a hurting, grieving person is the gift of listening.<\/strong><\/span>
            \nWe are called to be listeners.\u00a0 <\/strong>
            \nAs James says, \u201cTake note of this: Be quick to listen and slow to speak.\u201d (James 1:19)
            \nListening is a fine art.\u00a0 It is a gift of spiritual significance you can learn to give to others.
            \nIn Proverbs 20:12 we read, \u201cEars that hear and eyes that see – the Lord has made them both.\u201d
            \nWhen you listen to others you give them a sense of importance, hope and love that they may not receive any other way.\u00a0 Through listening we validate the feelings of others especially when they are experiencing difficulties in life.
            \nListening is giving sharp attention to what someone else is sharing with you.\u00a0 Notice that we didn\u2019t say \u201cwhat someone else is saying to you\u201d. Often what people share with us is more than what they say.\u00a0 We must listen to the total person, not just to the words he or she speaks.
            \nListening is an expression of love.\u00a0 It involves caring enough to take seriously what another person is communicating.\u00a0 When you listen lovingly, you invite that person into your life as a guest.\u00a0 When people know you hear them, they will trust you and feel safe with you.
            \nSince the God calls each of us to be a \u201cquick listener\u201d, we must understand what it means to listen.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

            There is a difference between listening and hearing.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n